Monday, October 15, 2007

All's well that hates well

...You approach an elevator as it opens, the huge green sign of ▲indicates that the elevator is going up, for further confirmation of the direction, there are two individuals in that very same elevator that are carrying wet umbrellas from the rain outside, carrying their mail because they have clearly just come home are now going UP to their apartments, but then you still are not confident, so you ask if it’s going up. Nope, I’m a new service provided by the apartment building, I’m here to appear as though I just arrived home so you don’t feel lonely in the elevator and the other guy is just my associate, we’re training him. You see this is where those 60% rent increases went to and you are where my hate goes to.

...You have an outgoing voicemail message that leaves your name, your title, your department, the company and what appears to be a summary from a Dale Carnegie book. You seem to have left off a few other things, your boss’ name, your first born’s name, your childhood pet’s name, your year of graduation, not college, but high school. You see the trend here? If I’m calling you, I know who you are, everyone calling you, knows who you are and no one cares that you’re a “Managing Director” but everyone cares that I hate you.

...You are Time Warner Cable company. On your monthly bill you have the customer service number listed once, in fine print on the back of the bill in a faint grey color that can barely be seen. So this is the deterrent? Don’t worry because the cable won’t work at least once a week, so I’ll have that number on speed dial. The number that I call and hear an elaborate automated voice system that allegedly recognizes voice but never understands what I say. I then enter my account number so that once I finally get to a person, I will have the account number handy to tell the operator again, and so that when I’m transferred 7 times, I will have the account number handy each and every time so I can hate you.

...You work for the Time Warner Cable company. You come to my apartment during the hours of 8 AM and 11PM only to install half of what I want and ensure that it doesn’t work properly. Cable guy comes to the apartment, installs the high definition cable, the reception is not in high definition, but you refuse to help. You install cable in the living room, then when you are complete I ask you if you need help moving furniture to install cable in the bedroom, you refuse to run a wire to the bedroom, why? Because it’s not in the work order. You’re here, you have 100 ft of wire, you have a drill and staple gun, I’m offering an extra 40 bucks to do it, so get to it and I’ll get to hating you.

...You serve mushrooms that somehow look like a dead bat. I’m not sure how this came to be, or how it’s even possible, but this mushroom is scaring me. Picture diving into your lunch only to find a deformed winged mushroom that’s about 6 inches wide. I just assumed this was some formerly live animal of sorts so I had to try it only to find out it was a fungus and it was a hate.

...You ask me to stop by your office when I have chance. How about a topic? Because I know damn well the second I walk into your hell hole, you’re going to want to talk about something that’s in my office, then I have to come back to my office to get it. You see the situation here? If you just tell me from the get go what you need then from the get go, I can hate you.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

2 years and going strong....bravo!! Happy Anniversary!

Doofi said...

such a apt comment as i am considering semi retirement

gene said...

no retire!