Thursday, June 28, 2007

All for hate and hate for all

...You give Paris Hilton an hour long interview because she was released from jail. It’s unbelievable that the most notorious slut in the country gets an hour with Larry King. This is a legitimate show that interviews heads of states, politicians, artists, leaders of industry and the like, now you’ve stooped to the level of tiger beat magazine whereby you are dedicating a show to an ugly spoiled brat made famous for having sex. Leave the gossip to E! I’ll leave the news to you, and everyone can leave their hate to me.

...You email me something, then come into my office with it printed out. Stop making more excuses for you to come into my office to annoy me. I do not want to talk to you, I do not want to BS with you and I do not want to hear about how you did such a great job in helping someone fill out a form. Your job is 30 times less important than you think it is, you are 1000 times more annoying than you think you are and you a million times more hated than you were before.

...You see me in the bathroom after 6 PM and say to me, “still here?” No I’m not here. This is a figment of your fucking imagination, I’m a hologram. I spent millions developing this hologram so that I can be seen in the bathroom after business hours while in reality I left at 530. Do you that stream of pee that is not going into the urinal but instead all over you? Just a hologram, it’s not really there. If you can’t think of anything useful or witty to say, please don’t speak, just stand there and get hated.

...You insist on chopping my salad. Listen lady, I don’t like my salad chopped, me likes me salad tossed. Nothing quite hits the spot like a nice tossed salad. We’re talking about an actual salad here people. Under normal circumstances, sure I can do chopped, but this is no ordinary chop chop done, this is chop as though it was put through a blender so now it looks like you puked into a plastic container, charged me ten bucks and then got hated.

...You are standing in a line so close behind that if a slight breeze went by, we’d be intimate. I can feel your breath on my neck, not to mention that I can hear your breath because instead of breathing, you’re snoring and instead of waiting, I’m hating.

...You are asking yourself, well how could they be intimate if he’s wearing pants? They’re called chaps people and they’re all the rage. Get yourself a pair, then get yourself some hate.

...You are a so called professional and ask me what is a C.V. Are fucking kidding me? Let me guess, you make more money than me too. How did you even get this job in the first place and what’s worse is I actually explained this to you because the word google is just as foreign to you. The ineptitude that exists in corporations is baffling, completely baffling and completely hated.

...You step up the urinal and flip your tie over your shoulder. This tells me one of two things, either you have a penis just below your belly button or your tie is too fucking long. Guess which is correct and if your thinking it’s fashion, think again. Actually, it is you like a clown when one side of your JC Penny tie is hanging to your knee and the other side is a two inch nub. I wish people would take some pride in their presentation so then I wouldn’t have to take so much pride in my hate.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

If I can't hate you, I can't hate nobody, baby

...You walk through a subway turnstile and immediately stop. In case you are unaware there is something in this city called other people, maybe you’ve seen them. Did you ever think that when you had to cram yourself into the train to the point that you’ve sexually assaulted people that perhaps someone else might be exiting the train? You have zero concept of social interaction and have zero concept of my hate for you.

...You wear a wedding ring to match your watch. If it’s gold watch day, it’s gold wedding ring day. If it’s silver watch day, it’s silver ring day. I’m curious as to what happens on leather band watch day or what if your watch is gold and silver? I mean think of the possibilities here, they’re really endless, almost as endless as my hate.

...You are holding a meeting to which several people have dial in access and then wonder why the only people laughing at your jokes are those in the room. Do I really need to break this down for you? If I do, then that should explain everything alone. You see, what you are not understanding is that you are the boss, you can see us because we are physically present in the same room, we have to laugh or at least pretend to. You can see the other people, the awkwardness of your lack of a sense humor does not travel through wires, it only travels to my hate.

...You say something is a win win. I don’t know how this blog has gone almost 2 years without ever hating the win win. For the lay person this means when two parties benefit from one another for the same job completed. For instance, you are inept, I cover for you lack of skill, we both get credit and “clients” are happy, you see, this is a win win but little do people know, this is also a hate hate.

...You continuously stalk my presence in my office. You walk by every 30 minutes, completely out of your way, to spy on my whereabouts. Is he in his office? Is he slouching in his chair? Maybe he’s on his cell phone. No, I’m doing two things, I’m doing the work that little 007 should be doing instead of spying on me and I’m sitting here writing about how much I hate you.

...You are in a meeting and do nothing but compliment the people that are actually doing your job from whom you have taken credit. Wow this person is great, he did all this wonderful work, work that I should have been doing. Look, we hired this company to do our jobs for which we are overpaid, they did such an amazing job, such a good job that they proved I am useless and am lucky to actually be employed but I’m too stupid to realize that so I give them credit and sit here getting hated.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Hate Conquers All

...You say you are from CT then when I ask what town, you tell me a nicer town than your actual town, then when I tell you my hometown, you feel yours isn’t THAT bad so then you reveal the truth. Who’s fooling who here. Oh you’re from Westport but went to school in Bridgeport, who does that? Who lives in a wealthy community then decides to send their kid to a ghetto for his education? No one, you know why? Because you’re from Bridgeport and I’m from hate.

...You have your pants around your ankles as I walk into the bathroom at work. It’s a bit unnecessary to have to pull your pants down that far to tuck in your shirt. Not to mention, have you ever heard of a boxer shorts? Those tightie whities are really starting to burn my eyes and why am I even looking, what’s wrong with me? Just once I’d really love to be able to go to the bathroom and not have to deal with a naked man, with the fowl remnants of someone’s shit, with prostate man that pees for 7 hours and with grouchy guy that hates you.

...You ask a question and use double, triple or even quadruple question marks. Let me teach you a thing or two about email etiquette, the number of question marks indicates the outlandishness of your question. For instance, are you going out after work, warrants only ? A follow up question as in, are you serious deserves the ?? a triple ??? is to be used only for something of the HOLY SHIT category and finally, in only the rarest of rare cases the ???? be used to hate you.

...You ask me for my SAT scores when applying for a job. That was 15 years ago and it’s a college entrance exam, not a requirement for employment at 30 fucking years old. You see I’ve been out of college for about 8 years now, during which time, there’s quite a bit of experience, not to mention the 4 year degree I managed to obtain, it’s quite apparent that my credentials are proven and it’s quite apparent that my hate has been proven.

...You have pictures that your kid drew in your office. It’s great that when your child scribbles on a piece of paper you want to pretend it’s a work of art. Me, I’m your colleague, your kids aren’t here, they’ll never see the scribble on the paper, so put it in a drawer, save yourself the embarrassment and save me the hate.

...You walk around with a modeling pose, Derek Zoolanderish look on your face. Just because you can suck in your cheeks and put a little pout on your face, doesn’t make you a model. It’s makes you a little closer to retarded. Yes, this may be NY and yes there are actual models walking the streets, but I’ve got to level with you, being a PR’s assistant’s assistant does not make you a model, but it certainly makes me a hate.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Hate works in mysterious ways

...You are the programmer for the dentist office radio station. How is it that in every dentist office, in every part of the country, no matter the year, is always playing the same music? Either pop music is so homogenous that it hasn’t changed in the 30 years I’ve been alive or something is seriously awry. I’m not quite sure how Kelly Clarkson has been playing for the past 10 years, but I know she has been, and Under the bridge without fail, plays every single time I have ever been to a dentist, that dates back to even before the band was formed and way before the hate was formed.

...You are still “sampling” 80’s music for your hip-hop song. A message to all hip-hop artists, PLEASE try to make something original for once, and PLEASE trying playing an actual instrument. I get the whole sampling thing, but you’re not even sampling and haven’t been in over a decade. If I know the exact original song, it’s no longer a sample, its that same fucking song and its this same fucking hate.

...You are sad guy. Oh poor me, feel sorry for me, my life is sooooo hard. My girlfriend dumped me, I hate my job, I’m fat, I’m losing my hair, my feet hurt, my rent went up, boo fucking hoo. Listen guy, you’re girlfriend dumped you 2 years ago, you hate work, not your job, you eat cheetos for breakfast, you shave your head, need I say more? Need I hate more?

...You talk about someone’s ex-girlfriend when they break up failing to allow for the 1 week window of them getting back together. People break up all the time, then two days later their back, except during that two days some of the nastiest, evil things were said by friends to support the breaker and the breakee, but they’re out there, no one can take them back and now you have to live with that on your shoulders for as long as that relationship lasts. There will be awkward moments, uncomfortable dinners, and a lot of hate.

...You are sitting the office with your lights off. Listen I know things are looking pretty grim, it’ll pick up for you I’m sure, but everytime you sit there with your lights off, your boss comes to me to ask what the hell is wrong with you and how can she fire you. I’ve only got so many excuses in my book for why you’re a tool, I’d really like it if you made things easier for me. Fat, Bald and Stupid is no way to ahead at this company, and yes, those are THE most important criteria in your evaluation and right now, the only thing working in your favor is hate.

...You are the IT helpdesk at any company and when giving advice you tell someone to reboot, restart or control, alt delete, after that, you have nothing else to offer then send me to some call center in India. What’s the point of your existence? I can’t believe companies drop 100k a year for you to tell everyone what they already know, reboot, restart or control, alt, delete. I think that’s the sole training you receive and the only qualification to get this job to be able to utter those words just like the only qualification to do my job is to utter the words I hate you.

Monday, June 11, 2007

The feel good hate of the year

...You say your kid is 19 months or 27 months old. Hey mommy, come back to the real world where people measure age in years, we don’t need exact numbers here. I also don’t really give a shit if your kid is 15 months or 30 months; to me, it’s a little over a year and a little over 2 years, or even better, one and two; or even better still, I didn’t ask I only hated.

...You over fill a little tiny cup with ice cream. I asked for a small, not a quart in a 2 ounce cup. One spoonful will do sir, but you aren’t having that. Now I have chocolate running down my arm. I go to get myself a couple of napkins and you hand me a 1 inch square cocktail napkin, only one. I try to get more and for whatever reason this is not included in the price of my melted ice cream so I have to settle for hating you.

...You send me an email, after I delegate work to you, to say, I will work on that. Yeah stop talking about working on that and just work on that. I don’t need the play by play, otherwise, I would have done it myself instead of hating you.

...You send me a link to pictures of your vacation, all 623 of them. Pictures of exotic locations or fun vacations are nice to see, say 10 of them, you’re entire photo collection of you sitting on a beach and stuffing your face, not so much. God bless the digital camera where you can take as many pointless pictures as you please, throw them up online and invite all your friends to come waste an hour of their life to be utterly bored and you to be completely hated.

...You are the little fat kid from the TV show two and half men. Okay buddy, I’ve seen you in the hood three times now and all three times you were eating cold stone ice cream. A word to the wise, cut back on the sweets, it may be cute to be a 13 year old fat kid now, but unless you plan on pulling a Vern, this is the best it’s ever gonna get and you’ll be left with is hate.

...You are the little kid that rides his razor scooter outside the dirty movie store on 14th street. I can't walk by here without this little punk 4 yr old kid cutting right in front of me so I trip. We're not going to discuss why a 4 yr old kid is outside a dirty video store, or why I happen to even be walking by there on a daily basis, what we are going to discuss is why I hate.

...You walk up to pretty girls in bookstores to hit them by commenting on the book at which they are looking. This is like asking to buy a girl a drink at the bar, I mean what kind of girl really wants to get picked up at a bookstore. I always heard of people actually doing this at bookstores, supermarkets and church, but I never tought there would be a day to witness this, not just once either but three times in a 15 minute span. A word to the wise, the girls are not drunk, so you're still creepy, the lights are not dim, so you're still ugly and I'm there to see, so you're still hated.

...You are wake up service and have a live person call, giving you the snooze option, at which point the same person calls back 10 minutes later and gives you another snooze option, this goes on for an hour and a half. If I wanted to have a conversation the moment I wake up, there are plenty of other people willing to take on the job, but I’m traveling, I want a simple call that says, wake up service for snooze press one, instead I get, Mr. Morning sharing his pleasure with waking up at 3AM and then I give Mr. Hate to you.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

A day in the life of hate

...You are any of the cast of characters I have to avoid on a daily basis.

...You are the same lady at the subway, that is trying to shove some free newspaper in my face, everyday and everyday I decline. If I want the damn paper, I’ll ask you for it, in the meantime, I’ll shove my hate in your face.

...You are my morning coffee barista at the bucks. I go to get my morning coffee and everyday it’s the same person that already knows what I want, pours my coffee ahead of time, then asks me what I want. Everytime you try to guess, then ask, I’m going to change the order, if you want to be like you’re down with me, then just make something and don’t ask, then I won’t hate.

...You are anyone on my floor. I reach my floor and in an attempt to get to my office I go left, but then I have to encounter, hey, me, you, Patrick, let’s get lunch, we’ll grab a burger. I go right and I hear, hi greg how are you? Uh fine, do you have anything else to say to me, ever? I spend the next 10 hours of my life trying to avoid these two people, five days a week, but unfortunately they never avoid my hate.

...You are the same retarded cook in the cafeteria that has to take an order, begin cooking the order, wait 5 minutes for everything to be cooked, then take the next order and start the process again. Is it that difficult to take 5 orders of plain omelets at one time? How about a single order of hate?

...You are the guy two offices down from me that stops in every day to ask if I can put in the good word with his boss. Dude, you’re like 50 and you’re asking me to put in the good word for you? Who’s gonna put in the good word for me? oh yeah, let me ruin my credibility by saying the inept tool is so good, he really helps out and adds so much value. How does it feel to have 20 more years of experience than me and be asking for my good word and good hate?

...You are the afternoon barista at the bucks who every day says, hey there stranger then smiles with her chicklet teeth. Well if I see you everyday, we’re not exactly strangers now are we? Let me add you to the list of people to avoid and let me add you to the list of people to hate.

...You are my boss that waits until 5:45 to come down to my office to talk about things. You’re a ghost all day and suddenly you appear after I’ve been suffering for 10 hours, now you decide we’ll talk about things, let me clarify, you will talk about things because I’m not allowed to. You will ramble on more incessantly than my blog, then you will get hated.

...You are the office of ineptitude that I have to walk by everyday on my way out and have to pretend like I want to say goodnight and if I’m lucky, you’ll try to start a conversation as I’m LEAVING. You can see I’m leaving, so can’t you see that I’m hating?

...You are the guy outside the subway on the way home that tries to sell me this morning’s news. Um, maybe you haven’t gotten the news from such old newspapers, but there’s something called the internet, and people waste half their day at work on it and then hate on it.

...You are the people at the gym everyday, that don’t know what a line is. A line works by one person at the front, then everyone else stands behind that person, single file. What you don’t do is stand horizontally, you don’t scatter across the room standing aimlessly so then 6 people argue when a machine opens up and then I hate when the machine opens up

...You are my neighbors that slam their door shut about 19 times during the daily show and Colbert. Who the fuck is coming in and out of there? I’m convinced the 12 year old girl is selling drugs, what else could it be other than me selling hate?

Monday, June 04, 2007

Land of the rising hate

...You are in first class and stand right at the entrance to the coach section and stand. You don’t just stand, you put your hands on your hips, hold your head high and look back as if you are overseeing your kingdom, admiring your fiefdom. That little translucent curtain separating us common folk from those that have their companies pay for business class just isn’t enough. Hasn’t anyone given thought that maybe us people in the economy rows don’t want to look at the first class section? I guess one additional perk is to not only have better seats, but to make the frugal people feel like shit. One other perk of course is to be hated.

...You congregate in the aisle of an airplane. Yes, I too like to trap myself in a two foot by foot section and then when people try to pass, I enjoy pissing them off to the point of having them shout in my ear. I’m really trying to figure out if people are that stupid, are that clueless or that big of an asshole that they don’t recognize that standing in the middle of the aisle, while being morbidly obese, keep everyone else from being able to move, such as to take a piss, so instead I’ll piss on you while I’m hating you.

...You come to offer turn down service 17 times during the span of 3 hours. I only wish this was an exaggeration, I really do. But if I’m taking a nap from 5 to 8, the bed’s already turned down. Not to mention, you already turned it down at 4, when you left the disgusting fish appetizers on my pillow. Ever hear of a mint? I don’t need you to come in to fold the blanket halfway open, I think I can manage that one on my own and I think I can hate you on my own.

...You deliver room service at precisely the time preferred time indicated. So I give a range of 30 minutes then a preferred time of 9:37 for deliver of food. I swear, the second the clock hit 9:37, there goes the doorbell for room service. Don’t get me wrong I love the dedication to customer service, but people don’t even know when someone’s fucking with them or when someone’s hating them.

...You have a bow off with me. I know it’s customary and a cultural difference, but isn’t one bow enough? You bow, then I bow, then you bow, then I bow, then you bow, then I bow….I can go all night, how much do you have in you? It’s amazing, perhaps there is a secret word to make it stop, but my round eyes should give away that I wouldn’t know, I’d only hate.

...You are sitting at a table next to me, speaking Japanese and talking about me saying (in Japanese of course) “that gaijin sure knows how to use chopsticks”. Let me relate this to the white ignorant folk, it’s the same thing as saying; wow that (insert Asian ethnic slur) sure know how to eat with a fork. Exactly, it’s not rocket science, it’s 2 sticks. And I’m sure most of you are wondering how I may have come to know what they were saying, well how about the beautiful Japanese woman with whom I was dining, perhaps she might be able to translate for me and perhaps she may be able to hate for me.

...You are housekeeping for a hotel and fold my dirty clothes. All right, enough is enough, when I throw my dirty stinky clothes into the corner, I don’t expect anyone to ever be handling them again, let alone folding them. You’ve got to be kidding me. In even the finest of hotels in the states, I’m lucky if housekeeping will place a pair of pants on a chair, but fold my dirty undies is a whole other ball game and a whole other hate.

...You chase me down after I check out of a room in Kyoto with a piece of garbage I left behind. It’s a gum wrapper lady, I understand you are keeping things traditional, and it’s all the manner of the Geishas but surely you have seen a gum wrapper before and surely you do not have to present it to me with both hands. Actually, that was pretty funny and worth the hate.