Monday, October 15, 2007

All's well that hates well

...You approach an elevator as it opens, the huge green sign of ▲indicates that the elevator is going up, for further confirmation of the direction, there are two individuals in that very same elevator that are carrying wet umbrellas from the rain outside, carrying their mail because they have clearly just come home are now going UP to their apartments, but then you still are not confident, so you ask if it’s going up. Nope, I’m a new service provided by the apartment building, I’m here to appear as though I just arrived home so you don’t feel lonely in the elevator and the other guy is just my associate, we’re training him. You see this is where those 60% rent increases went to and you are where my hate goes to.

...You have an outgoing voicemail message that leaves your name, your title, your department, the company and what appears to be a summary from a Dale Carnegie book. You seem to have left off a few other things, your boss’ name, your first born’s name, your childhood pet’s name, your year of graduation, not college, but high school. You see the trend here? If I’m calling you, I know who you are, everyone calling you, knows who you are and no one cares that you’re a “Managing Director” but everyone cares that I hate you.

...You are Time Warner Cable company. On your monthly bill you have the customer service number listed once, in fine print on the back of the bill in a faint grey color that can barely be seen. So this is the deterrent? Don’t worry because the cable won’t work at least once a week, so I’ll have that number on speed dial. The number that I call and hear an elaborate automated voice system that allegedly recognizes voice but never understands what I say. I then enter my account number so that once I finally get to a person, I will have the account number handy to tell the operator again, and so that when I’m transferred 7 times, I will have the account number handy each and every time so I can hate you.

...You work for the Time Warner Cable company. You come to my apartment during the hours of 8 AM and 11PM only to install half of what I want and ensure that it doesn’t work properly. Cable guy comes to the apartment, installs the high definition cable, the reception is not in high definition, but you refuse to help. You install cable in the living room, then when you are complete I ask you if you need help moving furniture to install cable in the bedroom, you refuse to run a wire to the bedroom, why? Because it’s not in the work order. You’re here, you have 100 ft of wire, you have a drill and staple gun, I’m offering an extra 40 bucks to do it, so get to it and I’ll get to hating you.

...You serve mushrooms that somehow look like a dead bat. I’m not sure how this came to be, or how it’s even possible, but this mushroom is scaring me. Picture diving into your lunch only to find a deformed winged mushroom that’s about 6 inches wide. I just assumed this was some formerly live animal of sorts so I had to try it only to find out it was a fungus and it was a hate.

...You ask me to stop by your office when I have chance. How about a topic? Because I know damn well the second I walk into your hell hole, you’re going to want to talk about something that’s in my office, then I have to come back to my office to get it. You see the situation here? If you just tell me from the get go what you need then from the get go, I can hate you.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Put me in coach, I'm ready to hate

...You are Budget rental. You give me a tractor trailer when all I wanted to rent was a 10 foot truck. I’m moving a couch, a table and a dresser, but now I have to hull some freight with this thing. I don’t care that I get it for the same price as 10 foot truck, I rented a 10 foot truck because that’s all I needed and that’s all I wanted, but you now have given me the pleasantry of driving a big rig around the city all day and the pleasantry of hating you.

...You are Budget rental. You ask me for my receipt from getting gas to prove that I filled the tank. I must be Sir Isaac Newton because I am the only person that can understand when a tank reads “FULL” it means that it is filled with gas, what other proof do you need? This is the scam you are running, you need a receipt to prove gas was purchased otherwise you will charge $25. Who the fuck keeps a gas receipt? The person that gets the hate.

...You are delivering my new TV and take it out to set it up only to find that you don’t have the screws for the stand, you then return to the store and come back with the screws, except you brought the wrong screws, yet again, so now you have to go back to the store for a third time. My main question is why would the screws have ever gotten separated from the TV? Ok I can buy your reasoning that you tested the TV in the store….kind of, but how do you bring the wrong screw twice? How do you get hated twice?

...You are delivering my new TV and as you are leaving you tell me to keep the box for a few days, just in case. Just in case of what? First you’re shady by this whole screw issue for the stand, then you tell me to keep the box “just in case”. Dude you’re starting to piss me off. I buy a brand new TV for pretty penny and you’re telling me keep the box just in case? How about I throw away the box and tell you to keep the hate.

...You don't like my previous four hates, well listen, keeping the hate bottled up about an annoying move is frustrating, so I had to vent and you had to read, so now sit back, and enjoy yoruself some freshly minted hate of you.

...You call and leave a voicemail saying, I have a question for you, can you please call me back. FUCK. Ask me your question in the voicemail people so I can be prepared to answer it. This is the equivalent of calling a meeting to have another meeting to ask you a question. It’s like the whole world has time to waste except for me. It may be just me, but I thought everyone seeks the point of rest, so therefore you get what you have to get done the quickest so then you can rest and then I can hate you.

...You call a meeting to simply pass out a spreadsheet that you already emailed to everyone at the meeting, then ask us to answer your questions AFTER the meeting. What is it with people, there is nothing that can’t be accomplished over email, please stop wasting my time so I can get back to my computer, back to blog and back to hating you.

...You color code spreadsheets. Either you are a brilliant genius and feel you need to explain things in the absolute simplest form for anyone to understand or you borderline Forrest and are so incompetent and slow that you have color code or the world is just such a complicated place. So you wasted 7 hours color coding a spreadsheet that didn’t even need to be created, the spreadsheet also having taken 7 hours is now a 14 hour project only to get to the point where you can start a series of meetings about more meetings to fine tune my hate for you.

...You use a wheelchair that beeps when it’s in reverse. You might be so fat that you now need a wheelchair to get around, but you’re not a mac truck, we see you. The point of the beep on a large truck is because it is in fact a large TRUCK, not person, the driver of said truck has several blind spots and to hit someone, is to kill someone. You are in a chair that moves, you can simply, turn your head and presto you see any obstructions and then you see hate.

...You say your destination floor as you press the button in an elevator. I know, I know, this complex, so difficult that saying the number aloud to yourself helps you remember and it helps you actually press the button. Us regular folk in the intellectual world, don’t need narration of our actions, we either have something called an inner monologue, common sense or (my personal favorite) hate for you.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Hatred is a virtue

...You are sending me Hate O Grams waiting for the next installment. Listen people, I have lots o shit going on right now, have some patience. All I ask is that you give me a few more days and then I will give you a few more hates.