Friday, March 14, 2008

Me and my hate, we got a relationship

...You wear cordoroys and you have fat chaffing thighs. All day I hear your swooshing thankles roaming the halls. You have to know you can be heard 3 floors away, giving away your position and giving way for my hate.

...You are Valerie Bertinelli. How on earth have you managed to stay in the “news” for like 30 years. You were on One Day at a Time, you were cute, then you disappeared only to re-emerged as some celebrity treat every time you showed up a “Monday night movie” where you played a young woman that was raped yet somehow, because of your strength, overcame tragedy but never overcame my hate.

...You wait in a 15 person line in one of the four Starbucks on your block, then when you get to the register you still don't know what you want. What did you think when you walked into a store that serves COFFEE. How is this different than any of the other 17 times you’ve been in today and how is it different than any of the other 17 time I've hate you today.

...You work at Starbucks and are thoroughly confused when someone orders a medium. You fucking know exactly what I’m talking about, but that $8 and hour really has you brain washed to the point that you attempt to speak another language. Fact, referring to large as venti an intellectual it does not make. Fact, working at Starbucks is not essential to your screenwriting career. Fact, working at Starbucks will get you hated.

...You are the guy on the subway that wears his aviators. Ok, we get it, you're cool. Look at you, so mysterious. I’m sure you look pretty cool when your foot gets caught in the gap and I’m sure you look even cooler when I hate walk into a bathroom and see 14 empty urinals with me at the end, then you proceed to use the one right next to me. Words can't describe my confusion, are you hoping for a peek? Next time you stand next to me, don't be surprised if your shoes get wet and don’t surprised if you get hate.

...You work in an office, yet you still don't know how to use a computer. Computers have been in every office since what, 1995? You've had 10 years to learn that the little picture of a disk in the upper left hand corner means save. How do you still have this job? Why must you ask me every time? I think it's time for a career change and I think it’s time for a hate.

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