Tuesday, March 04, 2008

They may take our jobs, but they will never take our hate

...You fire me from my job because of this blog. This is the amalgamation of Jerry McGuire’s treatise, the burn book from Mean Girls and the episode of the Wonder Years when Kevin breaks up with Becky Slater and she tells everyone how Kevin made fun of them. Here’s the deal, I actually say the truth of how a completely mismanaged firm is run – there’s your Mr. McGuire. I call out people for simple truths, from a striking resemblance to a particular muppet, to calling people out for (such as my boss) her complete ineptitude and lack of anything that slightly resembles a human soul – there’s your burn book. Finally, just days after I accept a transfer (the break up), everyone at the firm (that’s referenced in the blog) gets the joy and pleasure of seeing what yours truly said about them when the She-Devil forwards exactly what I said about each particular person, to that actual person – Enter Becky Slater. The funny thing is that this blog is completely anonymous with no reference to anyone by name, no company name, nothing, the only way to know I was talking about She-Devil or anyone else would be for her to know that she is guilty of being hated by me (after tapping into my computer of course).

...You work in any office cafeteria and are completely incapable of preparing food that even remotely resembles my order. You have to ask me about 7 times to achieve only about 50% of my order. I have to play mind games and purposely leave things out thinking you’ll automatically include them and then I have to include things so that you can leave them out and so I can hate you.

...You proudly display your college diploma from University of I Couldn’t Get in Any Where Else, in your office. Congratulations on that one, that’s quite the achievement, I mean your curriculum was more basic than an average high school, but some how you did it. Not only did you graduate, but look at you now, college grad, you’re big time, kudos. Not only do you have that glorious diploma to display, but you even went back to school for a certificate in I Paid $5000 for Two Courses Because I Couldn’t Get In To Grad School There is only one other achievement more worthy of praise, and that is me, hating you.

...You attend a book reading. You go to actually watch a person read to you. This beats out books on tape by miles, it’s as though you have some child fetish whereby someone reads to you like you are still a child. You makes excuses and rationalize this behaviour through your pretentious Q&A session afterwards where you listen to the author pontificate about how much he hates you.

...You come into work and say you have “like ten things to do” and only get to 2 of them. You know why you only get to two of them? Because you sit on the phone telling everyone how busy you are. I swear I started to doubt that anyone is actually on the other end of that line, who can possibly speak for that long without ever taking a breath, not to mention you are in a fucking cube, there are other people around you that are trying to concentrate on hating you.

...You leave your cell phone on ring or even vibrate and are never at your cube. Thank you because I love the interruptions of hearing your cell phone ring every 10 minutes, do your friends have jobs? What I love more than hearing the phone ring is hearing the beeping sound every 30 seconds to let you know you have a new message. You better hurry up to check those messages so you can get mine and find out that I hate you.

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