Monday, August 31, 2009

I always feel like somebody's hatin me

...You are orange. You are so tan that you have a DayGlo orange hue about you. Apparently you've been using that new sun tan lotion that's spf 0. In most places on the planet, people are embarrassed to be too tan, it means they've been working long hours out in the rice fields, but to you it means you were a drunken whore in the Hamptons all weekend and on this blog it means you're hated.

...You give the prayer-yoga sign when saying thank you in an awful attempt to be humble, however the only reason you are even showing appreciation and saying thank you is because you were fishing for a compliment. You say you're not good at something, say hate blogging, then the unfortunate soul having to be on the receiving end of your conversation must reply with a compliment about how you are really funny and a great hater. Your reaction is oh thank you, namaste, I bow to you and I hate you.

...You are a help desk and offer no additional help than everyone already knows. So on one of your 13 crashes of the week, you call the help desk for your company. After waiting for 20 minutes to be connected to India, you are greeted with the most "helpful" suggestions. Have you rebooted? hmmm oh, have you tried to restart? Have you tried to change your password? These are the genius responses only to be followed up with having to create a ticket, waiting 3 days for the techie to show up and ask I've restarted, and then about 3 seconds to hate you.

...You request to be my friend on Facebook after I've defriended you. Yes it's true, it actually happened, someone doesn't want to read your updates about your headache, the traffic on the way to work, the diarrhea you have or that your making lunch. I don't want to know these things about myself, why do I care about someone I spoke to once in high school to ask if there was homework. All this nonsense gets you one less friend and gets me one more hate.

...You have yourself a little fiesta in the conference room, but refuse to clean up your mess when it's done. Yes, it's great to have a little celebration for the $15 you raised with the 3k fundraiser run. So what do you do? Why you spend $50 ordering pizza to make sure you put on any weight you may have lost during this courageous effort. Now that the celebration has ended, you leave a massive mound of rotting garbage for all to see, smell and hate.

...You are an urban Sherpa. You have a backpack that is the size of a large child, yet walk into the subway as though you are skinnier than a hipster. You fail to recognize the hiking equipment on your back as you turn left, turn right and try to squeeze into a 4 inch wide standing room only space. You also fail to recognize that other people actually exist in the same space and time which means you must also fail to recognize that I hate you.

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