Saturday, July 11, 2009

Statler and Waldorf's Infinite Hatelist

...You are some sort of automated dialing system that whereby you receive an email from me, your phone instantly dials my office. Apparently you miss the point and the beauty of email, this can be used to avoid long winded conversations with people such as yourself. I’m trying to have the least amount of communication with you while still getting work completed, this can be achieved entirely through email with a little bit of hating you.

...You see that I’m holding the door for you and then take your sweet ass time to get to the door and walk through. You must think the entire world is under employment for you. We all carefully move and adjust our lives in a way to serve your and make your life more comfortable, because why else would a nice young gentleman such as myself freely give up 30 seconds of his life to hold the door for you? That’s right I didn’t it was gesture where you failed to live up to your end of the bargain where you give a half ass jog to the door thereby meeting me halfway between being nice and hating you.

…You don’t say thank you when I hold the door for you. This is a common courtesy, I do something nice for you, you reply with a simple thank you. I realize that you are special and deserve to have doors held for you, you should expect it, it would be rude if someone didn’t hold the door for you, so naturally why should you thank them. You want to know why? Because the next time I see you, I’m going shut the door in your face, then hold it shut so you can’t open it, then I’ll laugh and laugh, maybe I’ll even point, all because I hate you.

...You are sending a fax, you have the wrong number, you hear loud obnoxious sounds (i.e.BEEP BEEP), then walk away. As pleasing to the ear as that beeping sound may be, I prefer that it go away. When you dial a phone number and find out it doesn’t work, do you put the phone down and walk away? NO, you hang it up, a fax machine works the same way, you see that big red button that says “stop”? Well you guessed it, that stops the call, stops the noise and stops my hate.